Short Survey on Community
Doug
I am doing a short survey in preparation for a message this Sunday. Here’s the two big questions:
Why do we avoid, or at least not pursue, deep relationships with other Christians?
How would you encourage someone to take a step and grow in their relationships with other believers?
Don’t be shy. Post your comment. I’m curious to know your thoughts on this.
Written by Doug Wolter - Visit Website
January 19th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Great questions! Actually I just had this discussion with a LIFE Class member this past Sunday. I don’t think for the most part that it is not that “we simply to not care” at all. Seems to me it is hard to pursue deep relationships because we are so busy and spread so thin that we have no mental or physical energy left to share. We live so totally drained at times. For me, it means I need to simplify, cut out as many non-essentials as possible and then pray about and then take action on where and who God would have me spend my time with. Like Tony has shared with me and the kids, we have to plan to do the essentials OR life automatically plans it for us and we hang on for dear life for the roller coaster ride. This causes us to live in relentless re-action instead of planned action. Thanks Doug! Looking forward to Sunday!
January 19th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
The only reason I can think of to the first question of not pursuing a deeper relationship with other believers is fear. I believe we as Christians fear what other believers think of us if they *really* knew what we were like. I think many believers are under the false assumption that we need to appear perfect and without sin in order to *be* a true follower of Christ. If we engage in a deeper relationship with other believers, there is fear that they will know that we are not perfect, and in fact very far from perfect.
To answer the second question, I believe that to overcome this dilemma…we need to be more aware of and honest with our lack of perfection, that we are all sinners saved by grace, and in this world we will struggle. In becoming more transparent with each other, I believe we can provide help and encouragement to each other and find the depth of relationship that we were created to have. The walls will come down. The pretenses will be gone. We no longer have to hide who we are but surround ourselves with the very people that can encourage growth in us and us in them so that we can become the people God would have us be.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
It seems we are all so busy that it is occasionally hard to pursue deep relationships within our own home. So is it avoidance, letting life just happen, or fear from letting others get too close? I think there are some who read that question that will be surprised at the word “avoid”, as some Christians believe that all our friends must be Christian and unbelievers must be relegated to the acquaintance category. I’m sure Tony will deal with this issue in his “Relationships with Unbelievers” sermon. I look forward to it.
I would encourage someone to develop deeper relationships with other believers by starting with very few others, maybe just one. Open the discussion with a same gender Christian brother/sister with whom one already has a friendship the desire to have a more “real” experience. Call it accountability partner, soul-care provider, etc… Bottom line – I would just encourage the action. I have greatly benefitted from having a very small group of ladies who I can be bluntly honest with about my shortcomings and my agonies, who I know will then carry me to Christ in their prayers. We are intentional about our gatherings and this makes us more accountable to each other. I have probably never felt so safe.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Question 1 for us certainly comes down to time. This seems to be true of most of our freinds and fellow life class members as well. Between our work and school schedules, kid’s school, work and activity schedules and our church schedules(worship team, orchestra, Dulous, deacons meetings, LIFE trainings and teachers meetings) there is no time. The biggest barrier is finding a time that works to get together. In our previous church we often had freinds over for Sunday dinner but now sundays are so overloaded that one of us has to be somewhere it seems. The willingness or desire does not seem to be the issue in our Life class circle. We often pass each other and say “we need to get together soon” but then we can’t find a schedule time that works.
Question 2: I hate to admit it and maybe I’m the only one but here in Oldham county it seems appearances are really important. You are expected to have your house clean, counters uncluttered and decor all matching to host a Church function or have someone over. Since that is how I have been entertained since I have moved here, I assume it is expected of me if I invite someone over. This has been something I’ve had to adjust to after moving here from other areas that just welcome and invite regardless of the state of the house with no apologies. I openly confess my pride by admitting that there have been times when we have had time to invite someone over and my house has been in shambles and, to my shame, I forsook fellowship becasue of what others may think. We only have one family that we have slugged it our in the PhD program with at SBTS that we invite regardless of the state of affairs because we have seen each other worse after working, putting each other thrugh degrees and raising children through it all together.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
To answer the first question, I believe a lot of our avoidance of deeper relationships is a mindset given us by our culture. Our culture emphasizes the value of the individual and privacy and there is little value placed on relationships. The “strong” don’t need anyone else to overcome all odds. While as Christians we are to be counter-culture, it still requires a great deal of prayer and effort to acheive the mindset.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
The first reason i believe is pride. If we pursue a deep relationship with another believer, we will have to show our own weakness and vulnerability to sin. No one goes around on Sunday Mornings and holds up a sign that says “i’m struggling with pornography” or “i can be a gossip so don’t trust me”. A deep (er) relationship with another believer will require a level of openess that most aren’t comfortable with because of their own pride.
The second reason is the effort it takes. A deep (er) relationship with another believer won’t happen on it’s own without planning to get together occassionally to talk, hold each accountable, grow in the faith, etc. Just like our relationship with our wife requires effort (at least it does for me), we have to put a priority on it for our own life and make an effort.
That’s my two cents worth.
God Bless.
Robin
January 19th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Well, I think it’s definitely because of pride, but even more — fear of how we will be perceived by those we love and fear that others are not trustworthy when we ‘confess our sins one to another’.
Even though we say we ‘love’ each other, there are still prejudices even when it comes to sin. There are some ‘sins’ that we say, ‘well we all struggle with that’. Those are the ‘ok’ sins that we allow a brother or sister to struggle with. But there are others that are perceived to be ‘worse’ than others, and therefore, our fellow believers have a hard time getting victory and feel isolated from the body of Christ.
Sin is sin. We must stop tagging it with what we think are ‘allowable’ sins and what we think are ‘disgraceful’. All of it is disgraceful to God, yet he shows us mercy in this; ‘that Christ died for us’… The Godly for the ungodly. If we will allow the Holy Spirit to open our eyes to the Father’s infinite mercy, perhaps we will find not only grace for ourselves, but our fellow believers as well.
God Bless us all,
Tony
January 19th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
i actually pursue deep relationships with christian women.i guess i am just different
i love my friends warts and all and i just expect them to feel the same 
in hopes that this won’t sound snobby i am very careful who i have as my closest friends(because i don’t have a lot of time and there is not much of me to go around) i have a handful of godly women in my life, all from lbc, that i share my thoughts and desires with and that i spend my time with. of course, they know i am not perfect or close to it and i know they aren’t either. we trust eachother and love eachother. i kind of compare this to how jesus had his closest few surrounding him. unfortunately, i don’t have time to have many friends but it is vital to my christian growth to have some.
i trust these ladies and i love them, they are my sisters in christ and i know they trust me.
so, i say be real go and make some christian friends, take off your masks you can’t please god and man so focus on pleasing god. i can’t imagine my life without my dear sisters in christ. iron sharpens iron…..
doug, we are praying for you!! you’re awesome. blessings!!!!!!!!!! missy
January 19th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
The reason I avoid is pride- I don’t want anyone to really see how bad I am and I know if we live in community long enough I will sin against them.
But that is the very reason I would encourage people to live in community- killing pride is a good thing! We can’t be conformed to Christ if we aren’t putting to death sin.
January 20th, 2009 at 12:26 am
I believe that we choose who we spend time with based on our desire of feedback. As I have aged, I have realized those friendships that are worth pursueing. I have returned to Christian relationships and choose to spend time with two women. They will always give me Christian counsel and will love me as God loves me. God intended them to be in my life. I am ‘at home’ with them as I am with the Lord. Therefore, if we desire non-Christian (more worldly) things then we will choose to surround ourselves with those that support our desires. By having Bible-believing and God-fearing friends I am blessed with those that will guide me to Godly pursuits.
I began the new year with a physical “detoxing” that is very popular right now, but it ended up being one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. I ended up ‘detoxing’ my basement and home, my friendships, my mind as well as my body. The amazing analogy was how bloated I felt drinking all of the water but how purified I felt in the end. I have ended some toxic friendships in 2009. It was not easy, but healthy. Detoxify means to rid ourselves of poison AND all those effects of poison. How cleansing it is to choose God. I have learned that my testimony is one avenue to encourage others, but in the end it’s about encouraging others to know God themselves. I want them to learn His Word. It is living, breathing, powerful, and transforming. I’m always inviting them to study His Word with me. It will change them. He will.
Looking forward to hearing you on Sunday, Thanks Doug,
Sally
January 20th, 2009 at 1:47 am
Before you can have a deep relationship you have to get to a level of trust and openess in your relationship which requires time and energy. Most of us just don’t take or make the time to invest in a deep relationship. One more thing on your to do list. It’s a matter of making it important because we all seem to be able to find the time for the things we think are important.
January 20th, 2009 at 2:12 am
I think many of the issues we face with good relationships hurt our friendships with both believers and non-believers. The things like pride, poor planning of our time, sin, confidence and getting offended easily stand in the way no matter who we are friends with. With other believers though we are purhaps more concerned about exposing our sinful nature, because we may forget others have the same or similar issues to face. I try to insure most of our family friends are with other believers, who also go to church on a regular basis and are “real people” all the time. I think we do that more for our children than our own needs, but I do not want my children to face this battle if it can be avoided. I have found those friendships I have been blessed with people who are solid believers, have worth more than anything else to me in my life on this earth. In the times of my greatest highs and lowest valleys in life, Jesus has used them to put it all in its rightful place.
Thanks for asking, Stewart
January 20th, 2009 at 3:32 am
I disagree with your first question on the notion that we, Christians, don’t pursue deeper relationships with other Christians. Personally, I do pursue such relations! I value my friendships with fellow believers. Our common bond is Christ. Our identity is in Christ. Having committed friendships with fellow believers keeps one accountable.
Fellowship with other believers, attend Christian gatherings, study the scriptures and apply them to one’s life. Be a living example as a follower of Christ.
January 20th, 2009 at 3:55 am
It seems that pride, fear and cultural individualism are all reasons why we do not develop significant relationships with other Christians. It also seems that we can be, simply put, ignorant of or apathetic to the joys of spiritual fellowship. Sin and the devil can manipulate us into being completely unaware of the life into which God has resurrected us; we can say with our mouths that it is good to meet together, for the strong to bear the failings of the weak, but we do not know this as real in hearts – and so I pray that God would change our hearts, because He alone can cause the growth.
A large portion of the encouragement from the apostle Paul is given with the assumption and even requisite that we live them out together. In fact, some cannot be lived out without others. So we should identify someone in our church who has “failed” (Rm 15) and “bear” their failing, as Christ bore our failings; we should take the initiative to speak words of encouragement to our brother or sister, as Christ spoke the sweet words of faith and salvation; we can seek out those young in the faith and take them under our wing to challenge them to worship the Christ in all of their living just as the Christ did with His disciples and Paul did with Timothy. And let’s remember that the same Spirit that is in you is in me and is in all who Jesus Lord.
January 20th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I used to pursue deeper friendships with Christians when I was younger in my faith. I think sometimes ignorance is bliss! What I mean is that I didn’t worry so much about my sin…I was who I was to others. I knew I needed accountability, too. Then as I grew in “maturity” (but maybe not really!) I learned how to hide my sin behind my knowlegde. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I think that as I age I realize that I have more to lose…I’ve been a Christian for years, I’ve led other women, I’m a mom, I’m a pastor’s wife for crying out loud!! So, it boils down to fear of man. Fear that I’ll make others stumble, fear that I’ll make others judge me, fear that I’ll give Christ a bad name,fear that I’ll say that wrong things, fear that they’ll think my relationship with Jesus isn’t genuine, fear that I won’t be encourgaging enough, spiritual enough, knowlegeable enough…etc. (And this is exactly why we NEED genuine Christian friendships, so stop our foolish, prideful thinking!)
January 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
In response to the first question, I am so thankful to have a few wonderful deep relationships with other christians in my life. However, it is a challenge for Christians to develop deep relationships and maintain these relationships. It is difficult because we have to become ‘real’ people and let our guards down exposing who we are and the sins that we are struggling with, or struggles that our fammilies are going through. It can be difficult because we don’t want to be viewed as hypocritical, or less than ‘Christian’. We are all in this process of sanctification together, and on our journey we need to be real, compassionate and loving to ourselves and others. That is when true, genuine, deep Christian relationships develop – when you can tell someone something without feeling judged. I don’t really think that it is necessarily that we avoid deep relationships I just think that, it takes a lot of time, effort, and energy. But just like anything that is important to us we have to make the effort that it takes because in the end it is worth it. Kinda like exercise, I really don’t like it, but I know how good it is for my body!!
In response to the second question, we have to be intentional in our efforts in developing deep Christian relationships. Life classes are a great place to start. I truly love the friendships that I have developed in my life classes. But then we have to take it a step forward by planning a Bible study with friend, a walk once a week, a cup of coffee once a month, etc. It has to have priority on our monthly calendar, just like anything else that is important to us.
Thanks Doug!
January 20th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Why do we avoid, or at least not pursue, deep relationships with other Christians? I think this is becuase we are afraid of what others may think of us. Also, we are concerned about being politically correct. And I notice with my children that they seem to be worry about surrendering. It is as if they were in an elite club with the ‘non-active christians’ but they were going to give in or surrender if they starting hanging out with the ‘active christians’. Maybe they wouldn’t be as cool.
How would you encourage someone to take a step and grow in their relationships with other believers? Take a small step. Start praying every day (in the shower, in the car, etc.). Change a small habit. Start eating lunch once a week with an active Christian that could be a role model for you. Spend one day a week at lunch reading the bible, turn the TV off at home and talk to your family about the sermon (re-reading the scripture outloud).
These two ideas really help me too:
I like to think that we are not of this world. I saw that slogan NOTW on a website c28.com and really like it. Colossians 2:8.
I also like the song by Casting Crowns called “Slow Fade”. I think that is so true. We sing “be careful little ears what you hear…”. And this song is a more grown up song of how we don’t change usually overnight, it is a slow fade.
January 20th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I think we avoid, or at least do not pursue, deep relationships with other Christians because we want others to pursue the relationships first. Perhaps this is fear of rejection. Fear of someone not wanting the same type of deep relationship with you that you want with them. Its a ‘me’ mentality instead of a ‘you’ mentality.
I do have a close friend who, even when I was not pursuing a friendship with her, sought me out to pursue a ‘real’ biblical friendship (one with accountability, deep discussion of our walk with the Lord, the realness of our lives, etc). We are so different. We didn’t connect naturally. However, she didn’t take no for an answer in our friendship. She continued to pursue the friendship and to let the overflow of Christ in her life spread to me. She cares deeply for the body of Christ and seeks to be very intentional with those realtionships. There is no fear of rejection from her end and the pursuit of friendship is not about what she will receive but what she can give.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
There is always a certain amount of fear involved in pursuing a deeper relationship with anyone. The more we open up to others, the more vulnerable we become. Trust is a large part of the issue. We need to trust God to protect us, and to trust other Christians to treat us with kindness when they encounter our weaknesses.
Scripture tells us to care for and encourage one another within the body of Christ. Perhaps we should approach building relationships in terms of being obedient to God and out of our love for Him. To quote another Casting Crowns song, (thanks D.J.) it’s time to stop being shiny plastic people.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
I agree with Jaime and Kim that fear is an issue in avoidance of deep Christian friendships. It is sad that we are told to have a prayer partner or mentor but then feel as if no one could really be trusted with our deepest thoughts or darkest sin. Maybe that’s why so many people choose to go to counseling – they have to pay someone to really listen to them and keep their secrets without being openly judgmental!I know God can deal with anything we put before Him,but we also need those true, strong relationships here on earth. Thankfully, God has given me 3 women who are becoming “real” friends but it has taken several years to get to this level of transparency. Like Jaime mentioned, in many conversations with other Christians, I can reflect later and worry I said something wrong or that I wasn’t “holy” enough with my speech, etc. I am really working on my “realness” with others and remember that no matter how often I put my foot in my mouth or mess up(which is often), I have a God who can still use me and who loves messed-up me!And,for my part,I want the girls I teach on Sunday morning, my family, friends and neighbors, to feel Christ’s love and grace from me so that they will feel safe to be transparent with me.
January 21st, 2009 at 3:47 am
Well, this is probably one of the most probing and provocative questions about Christian life and how we relate to those around us. Could it be that the barometer of how we are doing with others is hidden in the way others are doing with us? The temptation in answering a question like this is to think in linear horizontal terms rather than looking at the issue from a purely verticle perspective.
How did our Lord look at people? Did He not set the example for us as we look to establish and develop relationships with others?
A huge part of the issue is our battle with SELF. Our biggest enemy in establishing or developing relationships is SELF. We tend to have this huge love affair with the “US” in our lives. It gets in the way of everything. It has nothing to do with someone else, although that “other” person is often to blame for any lack of involvement in a relationship.
It is clear from a look at the Gospels, that our Lord was able to put an eternal perspective on every person He met, and every relationship He had. Do we see people we meet as a divine appointment? Do we see the people in our Lords Church as HIS people? The very people HE chose. When we see people from His perspective and not from ours, then this issue becomes mute.
It could be said that the church is full of Hedonists, and that our narcicism is so cronic that it is nearly impossible to tell the “IN” the world people apart from the “OF” the world people.
If we are going to develop deep relationships with each other, we must put ourselves aside and reach out to others rather than wait for others to reach us and complain about not having friends. We must make time for each other. Turn off the TV, Wii, playstation or whatever distracts us from reaching out to others in and out side the church. We must make ourselves transparent to others encouraging one another.
We are not Islands, or rocks. We cannot survive alone.
We should understand that we show ourselves to others in the manner in which we would like others to see us. Is this Hollywood? Are we as good at acting as Hollywood? Are we so familiar with Hollywood that we cannot help but take on some Hollywood characteristics? What if we were so familiar with Christ that we could not help but take on some Christ-like characteristics? What if it were not “I” or about “ME” but about “they” or “Them”? The problem with our relationships is not the other person. It is US. We like being alone. We say we don’t and try to do things that look like we don’t but we do. It is comfy, warm and fuzzy but also dangerous. Alone is safe. Safe from someone who might see the me that is so different from the me of Sunday. Afterall, If I have Christian friends, then I have to be perfect lest I get the evil eye of judgment from someone who has reached the spiritual zenith from which they can see clearly into my life to tell me what to do and brow beat me for shortcomings.
A true meaningful relationship involves accountability, not judgment. These two are so misunderstood. Are we men willing to open ourselves to one another, understanding a mutual account? If not, turn the TV back on and say nothing of your hurting relationship with your spouse, lost job, or other issues where we could help each other, and we will continue to see the common man slip silently away.
Lets face it we made a deal between the world and the church long ago, which in effect, said “If you don’t make me feel uncomfy we wont have any problems.” This is a problem! Lets change it. lets get off our spiritual and physical butts and find someone to invest time and effort into. Lets not find someone who can repay us for dinner tonight. Invest in someone who can’t. Invest in someone who won’t stroke our ego or build our pride. Also allow someone to come along and show us how to be invested in. Let someone share our burdens, give sound scriptural advice, take us under their wing, pray for us, hold us accountable in our walk and allow Jesus to work through that person to work in us to accomplish His good work that He started.
We were once members of a church where you were judged by your financial statement or what kind of car you drove or how big your house was and who your friends were. There was a couple who were members there who had eight kids. They struggle to make ends meet. The husband developed a mental illness and refusing medication, started the family heading into a downward spiral landing in a living hell that the family would experience for years to come. On the outside, they look like a God-Centered family. We were introduced to this family knowing of none of this. We soon realized that this family was treated as second class because they couldn’t pay for certain things or go on certain outings with the rest of the “Group.” After a short time we bagan to notice things in the home were not as they seemed to be. We took a chance, stepped in and started asking some tough questions about what was going on. After putting the pieces of the puzzle together, we felt we had a case to bring before the church leadership. A case of neglect and discrimination on the part of the church leadership. I went to the pastor personally and talked about this family and about the role of the church. The pastor told me that the problems in the family were the wifes fault and she would have to buck-up and make it work. That answer gave me all I needed to know about the church and the reputation it had in the community. This put us in a unique situation since I was just elected Elder. I wasn’t sure if that was an honor or insult.
We knew we couldn’t leave this family to the wolves of the church. After all, they had already been sentenced to a life of misery by the church with a “it’s your own fault” mentality.
Time went by and we did all we could to be as close as possible to this family to show them the love of Christ as the church was unwilling to do. People would say they would help, but as time went and they saw the relationship as a one-sided afair, people would drop out because it cost to much to be friends to these people, and because every good investment needs a return or it is not a good investment (do we treat people as commodities?).
I did confront the father of his behavior. He said he knew this day was coming, because we were not like the rest who would come and go and simply give up on them.
We have learned alot about what it takes to develop a deep relationship with tough people. You cannot be concerned about how someone can help your portfolio if you are concerned about them alone.
We are short sighted and selfish. That is the main reason people in the church are left hurting, and why we don’t seek deeper relationships. We see that they are a bad investment, and it is their own fault! In order to encourage others to form deeper relationships, we must make the first move by getting involved in peoples lives below the surface and outside of “Hello I’m fine” Sunday. This takes LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:20 am
I think that Christians don’t take the time to build or even create deeper relationships with other Christians for several reasons: 1) They are too caught up in trying to ‘maintain’ their own household and those relationships (and have no time), or 2) they are afraid of being ‘judged’ by another Christian and therefore avoid letting another Christian into their little private world; or 3) they have filled their world up with too many other ‘priorities’ and don’t have time for ‘outside’ relationships.
All of these (and probably any others that one could come up with as reasons for not building deeper or even creating relationships with other Christians could probably be solved (or at least ‘answered’ if Christians would re-prioritize their life correctly… — trying really putting Christ first in your life and really let Him guide you in your priorities, and you would likely see more relationships being built with other Christians. Try inviting a family to your house for lunch/dinner, or even out to lunch/dinner. Have open converations, play dominoes (or some other game) with them; get to know them, pray with them!!! I believe that you can build some great relationships with other Christians if you only give it the effort!
P.S. – One grateful note of praise for our church body — since my illness, I (we) have witnessed a tremendous outpouring of caring and prayer from so many members of our church body from the many meals, visits, cards, and prayers that we (I) have received… — many of which we hardly knew before my illness… and many of which we would like to know better after their selfless outpouring of Christian love towards our family. I cannot tell you how many times my wife and I have remarked tearfully to each other after some act of kindness since September 15: “…now that was genuine Christian love!”
January 21st, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Jamie really put into words many of the things I’ve been thinking and didn’t know how to say… When you become a wife and a mom and have walked with the LORD longer there is more at stake as far as hurting others or hurting your spouse by being open with anyone. As a minsitry wife this has definatiely added a whole new dimension to who I share what with. In 2001 when our minsitry marriage hit the wall our counselor told me to find a least 3 freinds to share with that were not part of mission leadership, not part of our Chruch family and not on the mission committees of any of our supporting Churches…. that was really hard becasue those were all my closest friends… yet God was gracious and provided more than three (by email from the middle east) who saw me through that very dark time and rejoiced with us as a family out the other end of peace and restoration. It was hard to share the junk but it made the rejoicing 10 fold. I guess Scripture truly was fullfilled when it ways to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep! Jennifer also mentioned the issue of time to get to know someone. Since this move to LaGrange has been the 12th house I’ve set up in 20 years of marriage I have often moved to a new place and turned to steven and said, “I just wish I could talk to someone in person who knows my history”. Now after 6 years here (a record for this family) it isn’t so hard. Thank God for my Mom’s in Touch prayer groups. I couldn’t live without them!
January 21st, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Ditto with all the comments about fear, time, pride, insecurities, rejection, etc. I have been blessed to have several girlfriends with whom I’ve been open and honest but have also learned not all people are safe. There have been times when I needed continued support after being transparent but felt pushed away instead. I know I’ve done the same to others at times, especially when their need was so great and I didn’t know how to help.
So, find another person who desires to grow closer to Christ and then be intentional about getting together regularly. Meet for coffee, talk on the phone, take a walk, discuss a book, do Bible study together, etc. Be willing to ask/hear hard questions. Be authentic in your responses; ask God for discernment and wisdom about what to say. All those things take time and require risk. I am so thankful for my friends who know who I really am but love me anyway! They’ve picked me up countless times and have challenged me to persevere!
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I agree with most of the other answers related to pride and lack of a time committment to pursue deeper relationships within the church. To expound on the pride issue, I know all too well how I sometimes respond to others around me. I want to be really honest and say that it taken God showing me my propensity to label or be judgemental toward others who share their lives with me. Since I know my own heart, I think I can be fearful that others may react the same toward me. I also sometimes look for others to be a good friend to me and then I will pursue being a good friend to them.
To answer your second question, it seems in scripture the focus is first on us… we are admonished to be loving toward others and consider others better than ourselves, and as that develops in us we then in turn have growth in our relationships. That takes willingness to allow the Holy Spirit to work in us which can be painful! It also is hard work and to maintain a relationship where both parties are certain to sin against the other in one way or another. It takes much grace to endure and perservere in the relationship!
January 23rd, 2009 at 2:37 am
I’ll answer the question with a question: My question would be…do you “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind?” (Matt. 22:37) Because if you truly do, you WILL, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matt 22:39)
Yes, I think the main problems are self-centeredness, fear, discontentment, lack of time, etc., but all of those are results of sin. We are to be looking To and Living for the only ONE who is worthy to be glorified, and that is not ME or YOU!! We must die to self…(Matt. 16:24), and carry each other’s burdens…(Gal. 6:2) Do we really know what that means, and do we really want to do it?? I am a sinner just like you, and struggle daily. I am thankful that God sent His son to save His people from their sins. So think about this…….No matter what season of life you are in, It’s not what YOU GET out of a relationship, it’s what GOD DOES as a result of your obedience.
January 24th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Thanks so much to all of you who shared your comments. They challenged me greatly. I look forward to Sunday and the days ahead of doing life together with you at LaGrange.
January 25th, 2009 at 2:11 am
I think it is especially hard for men to pursue relationships with other Christian men because of ego and pride as many have already eluded to. But I also think it is because so may of us have been brought up to be very independent and feel like we need to be able to do it “all” by ourselves. Most men don’t want to appear vulnerable or “weak” to anyone, even our Christian brothers.
So how could this be overcome? Prayer, first, of course. But I also think small group in-home Bible Study would help, either for men and women separately and perhaps even for couples. Structure and discipline is needed for some folks, like me.