Why Kids Lie (and how do we stop them?!)
Doug
![NurtureShock_final[1]](http://life2getherblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/NurtureShock_final1-150x150.jpg "NurtureShock_final[1]")
I’m continuing to make my way through the book, Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children. Chapter 4 poses the question, “Why do kids lie?” The obvious answer put forth by the authors is they lie to avoid being punished. But the interesting part of this chapter dealt with how we can teach our kids to lie less. To answer that question, Dr. Victoria Talwar, one of the world’s leading experts on children’s lying behavior, conducted a rather odd experiment. One of her researchers read aloud two short stories to a group of children. The first story was The Boy Who Cried Wolf in which both the boy and the sheep get eaten because of repeated lies. Alternatively, the second story was George Washington and the Cherry Tree where young George confesses to his father that he chopped down the prized tree and his father praises George for telling the truth. Now … which of these stories do you think reduced lying more?
According to Talwar’s research, kids lied even more than usual after hearing The Boy Who Cried Wolf. However, after hearing George Washington and the Cherry Tree their lying was reduced 75% among boys and 50% among girls. Talwar explained her findings this way:
Young kids are lying to make you happy–trying to please you. So telling kids that the truth will make a parent happy challenges the original thought that hearing good news–not the truth–is what will please the parent. That’s why George Washington and the Cherry Tree works so well. Little George receives immunity and praise for telling the truth.
Biblically speaking, this research supports the fact that the threat of punishment cannot stop our kids from lying (or sinning). In fact, even though discipline is God’s tool to train our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, it cannot change our children’s hearts. To say it another way, the law is not the gospel–it points us to the gospel. It is a tutor to Christ — the only one who can bring heart change. We see this in Genesis 3 after the very first sin. Adam and Eve are punished but God doesn’t end there. He follows the punishment with a promise. The promise (Gen. 3:15) is that one day Christ will come to conquer Satan and defeat the power of sin and death. This promise is the only hope of change.
So, why do kids lie? They’re sinners like us. And how do we stop them from lying? Give them the gospel. Always give them the gospel–especially in the context of discipline. And don’t allow the punishment to overshadow the promise. Because the promise is their only hope for true heart change.
Read my thoughts on the previous 3 chapters:
- Chapter 1: The Inverse Power of Praise
- Chapter 2: The Lost Hour: [Why Kids Need Sleep]
- Chapter 3: Should We Talk About Race with Our Kids?
February 12th, 2010 at 3:40 am
Doug, I really like this post- very interesting. I have a somewhat related question I have been thinking about lately. If we can’t point our kids to the gospel then is it too early to discipline? I have been thinking of this because I know Elias understands no- and he disobeys. But if I spank him it’s not like I can say the gospel or really point him to the cross. Or is hugging him after and saying I love you buddy but you can’t do that- in some ways modeling God’s love so that you are pointing them to the mercy of God?
February 14th, 2010 at 7:35 am
Kellie, you ask a great question. I think you hit on something really significant when you spoke of modeling God’s love and mercy to our children. In a very real sense, as parents we are telling our children what God is like from day 1. We are representing his character to them. So, without getting into specifics of what that looks like, I would say we need to display the love of God and the authority of God in our parenting. Even though our children are young, deep down they are asking two questions: “Am I loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” Our answer must be, “Yes I love you,” but “no you cannot get your own way.” I think this shows them a secure and strong love with appropriate boundaries.
One last thing … Jaime and I have changed over the years in how young we start “disciplining” our children. With Emie, I think we may have started too early, with Luke we’ve held off maybe longer than we’ve needed to.
It’s tough … representing God’s character to our kids and failing all the time! That’s why we need Jesus who was full of grace and truth!
Please tell me your thoughts and Dustin’s as well. I greatly respect you all have to say on this.
February 14th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I thought I’d add one more thing. Even when our children are too young to really comprehend the gospel I think it’s still good to verbalize the gospel (obviously in short simple terms) in our discipline because it reminds us (and eventually our kids) of how much we need Jesus. Sometimes we underestimate how much our children are soaking in and what the Holy Spirit can reveal to them over time through the power of the gospel.
February 15th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Thanks for commenting back. I agree with what you have said. I think right now my discipline is going to be more hand slapping and the sort- I haven’t felt quite right spanking yet. And I think you are right to still verbalize the gospel as a reminder. Basically I know how much I need to pray- Elias is going to be our (or should I say is!) tantrum thrower.
February 15th, 2010 at 11:28 am
Good reminder that our best parenting happens in prayer as we pray for God to do what we can’t do.