Family First?
Doug
Which family has a greater claim on our lives? The church family or our biological family? Take a look at the following Scriptures and tell me what you think:
Mark 3:31-35 says, “And his mother and his brothers came, and standing outside they sent to him and called him. And a crowd was sitting around him, and they said to him, “Your mother and your brother are outside, seeking you.” And he answered them, “Who are my mother and my brothers?” And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.”
1 Tim. 3:5 says, “For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?”
Matt. 10:34-37 says, “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
1 Tim. 5:8 says, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
So which is it? Which family has priority? Some might say: “Obviously, you need to put your biological family first. If you don’t, then how can you really care for your church family?” While others might say: “My church family has greater claim on my life since it’s the family I joined when I was born again, and it will be my family for all eternity.” Both of these answers are truthful and I believe biblical. So which family do we put first? Which one has a greater claim on our lives?
Tim Chester says, “the gospels make it clear that the church family has a greater claim on us than our biological families … While the church should support the family as a God-ordained institution, we do not give it our ultimate allegiance. Is it too much to suggest that for some Christains their biological family has become an idol?” (Gospel Centred Church, 70-71).
Though I agree with Chester and understand the danger of the family becoming an idol, I don’t think it’s helpful to separate the “two families” and put one above the other in importance. After all, many a pastor has fallen into the trap of “marrying the church” and forgetting his family. Clearly, God wants the church family and the biological family to work together in its mission to make disciples. It’s really not one or the other. Biblically it’s both. My family is connected to a larger church family and my allegiance is to Christ who reigns over both.
So practically I’m trying to find ways to bring Deut. 6 and Mt. 28 together. To put both families first! Thoughts?
Written by Doug Wolter - Visit Website
June 29th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Doug,
I like your thoughts. I agree with you – I really don’t think that bringing Deut. 6 and Mt. 28 together is such a leap or a stretch. The best ministry we can be to others is to love our family before their eyes and welcome others into it. If we are exclusive with our family time and do not welcome others into it, we are cutting off one of the chief means that God uses to reflect his own nature. He is the FATHER. He is the HUSBAND. He is the friend that sticks closer than a BROTHER. When I started to realize this, missionary work in Japan became a lot simpler and a lot more effective.
June 30th, 2010 at 5:05 am
I like how you intentionally welcome others into your home … this is such a huge ministry especially to those w/o a family or church family of their own. It’s simple and yet challenging in this private, busy culture (probably similar to Japan in some ways).
As our kids get older now, I’m also trying to bring them with me to serve together as a family. I’ve realized that I probably separate “church time” and “family time” and this shouldn’t be the case. Yes, there are times when our family needs to just be together, but my family is part of a bigger church family and I want my kids to see that.
June 30th, 2010 at 8:29 am
What if your family are all believers? How does that change the question?
I actually think putting the question this way, (“which family is first?”) is unhelpful. As a follower of Jesus he commands me to love my wife. He commands me to bring my children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. He commands me to love my neighbor as I love myself. He commands me to welcome one another, to encourage one another, to consider others as better than myself, etc.
By putting the question this way it implies that there may be times when I have to choose whether I should love my wife as Christ loves the church or I should love my neighbor as myself. I reject this dichotomy.
The reason this question does come up is because of idols in our lives. Some people make family their idol while others make ministry their idol. The way to resolve this is not by making them see that the other one is actually more important. The way to resolve this is to help them see that God is more important. The danger could be that we would replace one idol with another.
June 30th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Dustin,
I agree with you. The question of “which family is first?” sprung out of reading Tim Chester’s book on Gospel-Centred Church. He says that “the gospels make it clear that the church family has greater claim on our lives than our biological family.” Maybe he was overreacting to those who make family an idol. But that statement provoked me to write this post.
I resonate with what you’re saying … I don’t want to live with that dichotomy. I want to put both families first because my allegiance is to Christ who reigns over both.
But … are there times when we have to choose which family is priority?
July 1st, 2010 at 7:35 pm
This is an important question with real implications for family and church. Thanks for raising it Doug!
The radical emphasis on the nuclear family is a recent development in history. In the Mediterranean World of the NT, extended family and group think was dominant, not individualistic, nuclear family. In fact, blood brothers/sisters were considered a stronger bond than even that of marriage. This was true in the Ancient Near East also. Hence the many brother narratives and mythologies.
I believe that Jesus and the writers of the NT preserve this communal, extended family perspective on relationships but place it in the context of redemption, creating the church family. Thus, Jesus can say harsh things about biological families because there is a new family with which we are “blood-related.” This is why Paul repeatedly greets the churches as brothers and sisters, not as non-blood relatives, i.e. bride.
I agree that the church family has a greater claim on our lives, which is sometimes at odds with biological family but also takes a redemptive posture towards bio family. If possible, we should try to get the two families to overlap in social interaction. At the end of the day, however, Christ reigns over both very differently–one with judgment and one with salvation.
When we are born again we are born into a new family. Conversion is a community creating event, not a individualistic conversion. The Gospel converts us three times 1)Christ 2) Church 3) Mission. We join the church family and labor with her to include bio family through mission, but our conversion is not to bio family, it is to a new church family gathered around a new Head Jesus, loving one another as part of the new mission which we desperately long our bio families to join.
2 cents. I highly recommend When Church Was a Family by Hellerman (Biola NT scholar).