Life2gether

As parents we know the importance of preparing our children with the spiritual and intellectual skills they need for life.  But rarely do we think about helping them understand and navigate their emotional world.  Dr. John Gottman, an acclaimed psychologist and researcher, has written a much needed book called Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.  He calls on parents to become Emotion Coaches for their kids and lays out a 5 step process to follow:

• Be aware of your child’s emotions
• Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
• Listen empathetically and validate a child’s feelings
• Label emotions in words a child can understand
• Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand

Gottman goes on to say that Emotion-Coaching parents “recognize that all emotions–even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear–can serve useful purposes in our lives.”  Thus we need to be willing to spend the time needed to listen and empathize with our children’s emotions instead of squelching them.  We must encourage emotional honesty in our children by validating their feelings and walking through these feelings with them.  And it starts, Gottman says, with “getting in touch with our own negative feelings.”  One parent likened it to the safety instructions they give on airplanes saying, “You’ve got to get the oxygen in place for yourself first before you can help your child.”

This book has changed the way I interact with my kids on the emotional level.  I highly recommend it!

R. Kent Hughes:

• The first Adam began life in a garden.  Christ the second Adam, came at the end of his life to a garden
• In Eden Adam sinned.  In Gethsemane the Savior overcame sin.
• In Eden Adam fell.  In Gethsemane Jesus conquered.
• In Eden Adam hid himself.  In Gethsemane our Lord boldly presented himself.
• In Eden the sword was drawn.  In Gethsemane it was sheathed.

(Taken from Nancy Guthrie’s book, Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross, pg. 31-32)

R. Kent Hughes:

No one has ever known the sorrow our Lord experienced [in Gethsemane].  Luke the physician says, “And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:44). 

But what was the cause of Christ’s bloody sweat?

It was not the pain that caused the horror.  It was not the shame.  It was not the imminent desertion of his disciples.  It was the fact that he was going to pay the penalty for our sins!  The understanding of what the sacrifice meant, which only omniscience could bring, caused our Lord to break out in a bloody sweat (emphasis mine).  It was the crushing realization of the horror that crushed him.  Christ’s resolve to endure the agony, even at such a great price, demonstrates his lordship and divinity.

(Taken from Nancy Guthrie’s book, Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross, pg. 32-33)

Helpful words here from Jonathan Dodson on how to stop trying to prove yourself to God and others.  Here’s a summary of his thoughts gleaned from Tim Chester’s book, You Can Change:

• We don’t’ have to seek approval from [Others] because are approved by grace in Christ.
• We don’t have to perfect [Ourselves] because imperfect people cling to a perfect Christ.
• We don’t have to impress [God] because Jesus impressed him for us.

I would only add that the starting point in this process is coming to a place of brokenness.  When we are broken and laid bare before God we can then move into the reality of who we are as Christ’s beloved bride.

Josh Harris:

Last week I drove up to Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia to speak at a weekend conference they were hosting. The highlight for me was having dinner with Paul Tripp and his wife Luella. What a great couple! I learned so much from them and enjoyed hearing all the ways God has guided them over the years.

I have to admit I was distracted when I was with Paul by the sweet pair of retro kicks he was wearing (pictured above). I’m not used to coveting the shoes of a 59-year-old guy. But I confessed my jealousy to Paul and he forgave me. He also told me that his son does marketing work for Nike and so he gets free shoes. (That didn’t really help me.)

During dinner I asked Paul to list the books he has written. As he listed off the 11 books (the latest of which is about to be released), I was amazed at how many of these books have played a key part in equipping and encouraging members of our church. God has used this man in a big way to build up the church. If you’re not familiar with Paul’s books I’d encourage you to acquaint yourself. Here’s the list:

1. Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Second Edition (Resources for Changing Lives)

2. War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Resources for Changing Lives)

3. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change (Resources for Changing Lives)

4. Lost in the Middle: Midlife and the Grace of God

5. How People Change (co-author)

6. Relationships: A Mess Worth Making (co-author)

7. A Quest for More: Living for Something Bigger Than You

8. Whiter Than Snow: Meditations on Sin and Mercy

9. A Shelter in the Time of Storm: Meditations on God and Trouble

10. Broken-Down House: Living Productively in a World Gone Bad

11. What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

Visit the website for Paul Tripp Ministries to learn more about Paul’s work and writing.

My good friend and colleague, Lisle Drury, pointed me to this post.  We both got to sit down and have lunch with Paul Tripp awhile back when he spoke at our Pastor’s Conference with my friend, Justin Taylor.  And we wholeheartedly agree with Josh’s assessment!

Here’s a conversation between Justin Taylor and Nancy Guthrie about her new book that she’s edited—a collection of classic and contemporary essays, called Be Still, My Soul: Embracing God’s Purpose and Provision in Suffering .  She also tells her own story of suffering here.

(HT: JT)

I enjoy reading books with my wife.  There’s something sweet about ending the day with a short devotional to set our hearts at rest in God.  This month during Lent we are reading through Nancy Guthrie’s book, Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross: Experiencing the Passion and Power of Easter.  Here are some of her opening words: 

Too many years I’ve found that I have rushed from Palm Sunday into Easter morning, from palm branches to the empty tomb, without giving my mind and my heart over to thoughtful contemplation of the cross. If you can relate to my lament, then I hope you will join me as we turn our gaze toward the cross through the pages of this book.

You can read online for free Guthrie’s preface, as well as Martin Luther’s “True Contemplation of the Cross” and John Piper’s “He Set His Face to Go to Jerusalem.”  Here are the other chapters.

Switch looks like an intriguing book by the same authors as Made to Stick. In it they make 3 assertions about how to change things when change is hard.

• What looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity. So provide crystal-clear direction.

• What looks like laziness is often exhaustion. So it’s critical that you engage people’s emotional side.

• What looks like a people problem is often a situation problem.  So shape the situation and you make change more likely.

Here’s a great example of this last idea by a 3rd grade teacher in Michigan.

If you’re interested, here’s my thoughts on making your teaching stick somewhat inspired by the Heath brothers’ first book, Made to Stick.

If you’re looking for a book to read for enjoyment, I highly recommend Same Kind of Different As Me.  It made my list of top books I read in 2009, and I see that John Piper recently recommended it here.  My wife loved it too.  She leads a book club and this was one of the favorites they read together.

Here’s a great video that explains the book and might whet your appetite …

Dietrich Bonhoeffer from his classic book, Life Together (the inspiration for this blog), argues that there is no real community until we face up to our sin: 

“Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it. The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community the better for both. A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattered, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community.”

(HT: Ray Van Neste)