Out of curiosity my wife and I watched the first episode of The Marriage Ref last week. The tagline to the show is: in marriage everyone needs a ref. And so real couples bring an issue they’ve been fighting about and a panel of experts like Jerry Seinfeld, Tina Fey, and Eva Longoria Parker decide which one is right (this week’s experts include Madonna!). I liked one writer’s take on the show, “It’s like a marital boxing match without the gloves [where] one of the spouses is declared the winner.”
Now I admit, the show is pretty entertaining. I laughed several times. And yet at the same time, I think it’s potentially devastating to how we deal with conflict in marriage. We don’t need a marriage ref who can help us decide who is right and who is wrong. We don’t need a celebrity telling us who won the argument. What we need is someone to look at us right in the eye and say that the biggest problem in our marriage is us. Otherwise, we’ll just keep playing the blame-game and never get anywhere.
John Gottman, a respected author and marriage researcher, says that the four greatest predictors of divorce are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stone-walling (the silent treatment). Seems obvious, but how many of us really know how to deal with conflict in our marriage? We probably won’t turn to celebrity experts like Seinfeld and Madonna to tell us what to do, but are we willing to look at ourselves in the mirror and get to the heart of the problem?
Paul Tripp, in his helpful marriage study called, What Did You Expect? says, “The greatest source of our marriage conflicts is not outside of us, but inside of us. Relationship problems are heart problems.” This is so important. We must start with heart. So Tripp encourages couples to ask themselves questions like: What am I allowing to rule my heart? Why am I responding in anger? And in the midst of conflict am I seeking reconciliation (I’m with you) or retaliation (I’m against you)?
In the end, we don’t need a marriage ref. We need a Savior! We need Jesus. And may I add, sometimes a good, gospel-centered counselor. After all, as my pastor says, “Every few years we go and get a thorough check-up on our car, shouldn’t we do the same in our marriages?”
I enjoy reading books with my wife. There’s something sweet about ending the day with a short devotional to set our hearts at rest in God. This month during Lent we are reading through Nancy Guthrie’s book, Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross: Experiencing the Passion and Power of Easter. Here are some of her opening words:
Too many years I’ve found that I have rushed from Palm Sunday into Easter morning, from palm branches to the empty tomb, without giving my mind and my heart over to thoughtful contemplation of the cross. If you can relate to my lament, then I hope you will join me as we turn our gaze toward the cross through the pages of this book.
You can read online for free Guthrie’s preface, as well as Martin Luther’s “True Contemplation of the Cross” and John Piper’s “He Set His Face to Go to Jerusalem.” Here are the other chapters.
Valentine’s Day is fastly approaching! But nearly every day I’m aware of how much I need to grow in loving my wife like Christ loved the church. One person who models this well and writes about it well is C.J. Mahaney. He has written one book in particular that I would greatly recommend to you. The title alone should provoke you to buy it. It’s called, Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God. It’s a very easy book to read and full of practical helps for husbands to grow in their love for their wives. For example, in one chapter he focuses on 7 Ways to Kindle Romance. Here they are:
Date Night – take inititative and plan
Phone Calls – call her at least once a day
Notes, Cards, Letters – little notes go a long way
Gifts - Do you know what she likes?
Music/Poetry – not for everyone!
Getaways - save your $$ for unhurried, undistracted time
Surprises – think of what would surprise her, be creative
Conflicts are to be expected in marriage. But why do they happen in even the most mature marriages?
At a recent monthly gathering with the Pastors College students and their wives, C.J. abbreviated his sermon on James 4:1–3 and shared a recent example of how the passage protected his marriage from conflict during a date night.
Download C.J. Mahaney’s 7 min. message here called Cravings, Conflict, and Marriage
In my opinion, Gary Thomas is one of best communicators of gospel truth when it comes to building your marriage and family. I highly recommend his books, Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting. You can download the study guides for these books here:
Provocative title, huh? Let me say right off the bat, I have great in-laws, and my wife and I enjoy our time with our families over the holidays. But I thought this was a helpful article especially for those of you who are newly married to help you decide how and where to spend your holidays. Here’s the conclusion:
Aim to make holiday times enjoyable and memorable.
Balance the development of your own traditions with those of the homes you came from.
Keep the focus on time spent together rather than amount of money spent.
Invite Christ to be your honored guest in all your plans and celebrations.
![The-Marriage-Ref[1]](http://life2getherblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/The-Marriage-Ref1-300x200.jpg "The-Marriage-Ref[1]")
Out of curiosity my wife and I watched the first episode of The Marriage Ref last week. The tagline to the show is: in marriage everyone needs a ref. And so real couples bring an issue they’ve been fighting about and a panel of experts like Jerry Seinfeld, Tina Fey, and Eva Longoria Parker decide which one is right (this week’s experts include Madonna!). I liked one writer’s take on the show, “It’s like a marital boxing match without the gloves [where] one of the spouses is declared the winner.”
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