Life2gether

Paul Tripp, from his new book on marriage called, What Did You Expect:

“His grace purposes to expose and free you from your bondage to you. His grace is meant to bring you to the end of yourself so that you will finally begin to place your identity, your meaning and purpose, and your inner sense of well-being in him. . . . To add to this, he designs circumstances for you that you would have never designed for yourself. All this is meant to bring you to the end of yourself, because that is where true righteousness begins. He wants you to give up. He wants you to abandon your dream. . . . He knows there is no life to be found in these things.”

(HT: Walt Mueller)

Jonathan Dodson with a much needed word for men who love ministry and neglect their own family:

My first year of church planting I started a new, full-time job, a new city, a new daughter, and a new church. Guess which one got the least attention? Family. As all these new things filled our lives, they began to crowd conversation with my wife. What was once natural—inquiring about my wife’s hopes, fears, and joys—became unnatural, even absent from our conversation. She patiently continued to ask how I was doing, but I was “working for the church while my family died.”

As my wife began to wither without the invigorating love of her husband, she revealed the affair. I’ll never forget her crushing comment: “I feel like there’s a mistress in the house.” I was alarmed and frustrated. How dare she make such a comparison! After all, I made a point of being home by 5:30 and on weekends. I made sure we had good family rhythms—breakfast and devotions, dinner and downtime. How could she say there was a “mistress” in our home? Then it dawned on me—you can be home without being home. I was present but absent. My thoughts, emotions, and concerns were with another Bride while I was home, not with my bride.

Read the whole thing …

My wife and I will be spending an evening with Spurgeon tonight at New Life Church in Louisville.  Obviously this is not your typical date night, but we look forward to it!  If you’re in the area, and able to go, it’s free and looks to be both entertaining and encouraging.  See you there!

As a pastor or church leader, how do you balance family and ministry?  Which comes first?  What are the biblical responsibilities of a husband and father?  And how should a wife respond to the many trying circumstances in ministry? 

These and other questions are explored by Doreen Moore in Good Christians, Good Husbands? an ”inspiring and convicting account of three 18th century Christian leaders (John Wesley, George Whitefield, and Jonathan Edwards), all of whom were passionate about glorifying God by serving Him in their generation … how they balanced (or did not balance) their passion for ministry with being married is the subject of this book.”

I’m about halfway through the book, and it’s a very convicting read.  If you’re a church leader who feels the weight of balancing family and ministry, you need to get this book.  My friend, Dr. Tom Nettles, Professor of Historical Theology at Southern Seminary, endorses the book saying, “each reader will receive rewards in personal development far in excess of the time investing in reading.”  I couldn’t agree more.

My friend, Dustin, has a very encouraging list of ways the gospel can and should impact all aspects of our lives, including marriage.

My wife and I lead a small group (twice a month) with three other couples.  Yesterday we met and spent some time reflecting on how God made us to need one another in marriage.  Specifically we discussed the differences we see in our spouse that God uses to complement us.  For example, my wife is very considerate of others and has made me much more sensitive to people’s needs.  And where I’m more of a serious, visionary thinker, she is more carefree and lives life to the full right now.  She’s taught me to not take myself so seriously and live for the day. 

There’s a lot more I could say, but I think the greatest lesson I learned from this time of discussion is that God has made us for each other; and though we are different, we are ONE.  There really is some of Jaime in me and some of me in Jaime.  The oneness that God created about 12 years ago is not so abstract anymore.  I can see it every day.  That’s pretty amazing.

Dads set the temperature in the home, not moms.  You’ve heard it said, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy! and “If Daddy ain’t happy, nobody cares!”  But the truth is dads set the temperature in the home.  Dads are the pace-setters.  Dads are the initiators.  Dads are the leaders.  Everything culminates on Dad.  We see this in scripture, don’t we?

In marriage, it begins with dads (or husbands).  Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  Christ initiated.  Christ loved us.  Christ served us.  Christ gave his life for us.  We husbands follow his example.  Yes, wives are called to submit to their husbands, as to the Lord.  But a wife who is well-led, loved and cherished will gladly submit to her husband’s lead.  It all starts with him.

The same holds true in parenting.  Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  Did you catch that?  Dads control the emotional temperature in the home.  We have been given delegated authority from God to guide our children emotionally, but we can abuse this authority and provoke our kids to anger.  We can throw cold water on our kids by over-parenting them, criticizing them, and pushing them to perfection.  We end up driving them instead of guiding them and we wonder why there’s so much tension in the home.  There is a better, biblical way.  The Scripture says we are to be patient shepherds who love our children and bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  This is our calling.

Dads, we set the temperature in the home, mom doesn’t.  We take the lead and our family follows.  We initiate, they respond.  Seems humbling and overwhelming, doesn’t it?  Thankfully God knows our frame.  He knows we live in a fallen world and it’s not easy.  Yet he meets us in our weakness and loves to give grace to the humble.

Out of curiosity my wife and I watched the first episode of The Marriage Ref last week.  The tagline to the show is: in marriage everyone needs a ref.  And so real couples bring an issue they’ve been fighting about and a panel of experts like Jerry Seinfeld, Tina Fey, and Eva Longoria Parker decide which one is right (this week’s experts include Madonna!).  I liked one writer’s take on the show, “It’s like a marital boxing match without the gloves [where] one of the spouses is declared the winner.”

Now I admit, the show is pretty entertaining.  I laughed several times.  And yet at the same time, I think it’s potentially devastating to how we deal with conflict in marriage.  We don’t  need a marriage ref who can help us decide who is right and who is wrong.  We don’t need a celebrity telling us who won the argument.  What we need is someone to look at us right in the eye and say that the biggest problem in our marriage is us.  Otherwise, we’ll just keep playing the blame-game and never get anywhere.

John Gottman, a respected author and marriage researcher, says that the four greatest predictors of divorce are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stone-walling (the silent treatment).  Seems obvious, but how many of us really know how to deal with conflict in our marriage?  We probably won’t turn to celebrity experts like Seinfeld and Madonna to tell us what to do, but are we willing to look at ourselves in the mirror and get to the heart of the problem? 

Paul Tripp, in his helpful marriage study called, What Did You Expect? says, “The greatest source of our marriage conflicts is not outside of us, but inside of us.  Relationship problems are heart problems.”  This is so important.  We must start with heart.  So Tripp encourages couples to ask themselves questions like: What am I allowing to rule my heart?  Why am I responding in anger?  And in the midst of conflict am I seeking reconciliation (I’m with you) or retaliation (I’m against you)?

In the end, we don’t need a marriage ref.  We need a Savior!  We need Jesus.  And may I add, sometimes a good, gospel-centered counselor.  After all, as my pastor says, “Every few years we go and get a thorough check-up on our car, shouldn’t we do the same in our marriages?”

I enjoy reading books with my wife.  There’s something sweet about ending the day with a short devotional to set our hearts at rest in God.  This month during Lent we are reading through Nancy Guthrie’s book, Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross: Experiencing the Passion and Power of Easter.  Here are some of her opening words: 

Too many years I’ve found that I have rushed from Palm Sunday into Easter morning, from palm branches to the empty tomb, without giving my mind and my heart over to thoughtful contemplation of the cross. If you can relate to my lament, then I hope you will join me as we turn our gaze toward the cross through the pages of this book.

You can read online for free Guthrie’s preface, as well as Martin Luther’s “True Contemplation of the Cross” and John Piper’s “He Set His Face to Go to Jerusalem.”  Here are the other chapters.

Here’s a great list of questions to check out as you relax and relate with your spouse this weekend.